Humans are very complex. We can be in two feelings at once. We can love our mates, and be extremely mad at them and we can feel both of these things together. That is how the mind works. All of our minds work this way.
Hurt Feelings Are Just a Part of Loving Openly
It is very common to get our feelings hurt when we are in a relationship with someone we love. Loving a person requires us to move away from barriers we place around our heart. We push them aside and love deeply another person.
And because these barriers are not there to protect us, when we get our feelings hurt, we really, really hurt! There is no protection around the heart to keep the heart safe and that’s why it stings so deeply.
But what can we do about this situation? We love our mate, and sometimes we get hurt by them. Well, we can learn that all this is true. We love them and we get hurt.
Examine What You Do When Your Feelings Are Hurt
So, this is where we grow. What do you do when you get your feelings hurt? This is how we evolve in our relationship. Ideally, we would first understand which feelings got hurt. Then in a non-emotional way, we’d explain to our mate what happened to us. We’d then ask them to do something different next time.
If you can do this then I believe you are going to have a long-term healthy and happy relationship. But we are not robots. Not all of us can understand what our feelings mean and then explain it without a reaction.
I have worked for many years not to hold my husband responsible when he upsets me. Logically, I know that he would not try and make me mad, but my feelings sometimes get hurt anyway. I have taught myself that he does not hurt me on purpose.
I guess in my grow-up years I always thought who ever hurt me is responsible for the hurt. I didn’t learn there were other ways to handle hurt feelings until I met my husband to be. Experience with him taught me something about when I get my feelings hurt. If I can understand what happened to me without blaming him, he can help me understand what I need to heal.
When I explain myself to him and he understands then I feel heard and valued and important. These are not skills I learned as a child, but they are extremely helpful to me as a grownup.
Perspective Matters. Understanding That Hurt is Accidental Helps You Let Go and Move Forward
People who love each other do not want to hurt the other. Hurting the other happens anyway. Figure yourself out so you don’t stay conflicted with, “I love you and I am mad.” This complex phrase keeps us tied up in our own feelings without having anyone understand us or helping us heal.
And it is the understanding and healing aspect of a relationship that keeps us stable and secure. Learn your habits of communicating your discomfort. Figure out a way to let your partner know, without making them feel bad. When we are hurt, that’s all any of us really want anyway. And it’s understanding and healing that will make us feel something that we are all after, and that is to feel good.
Feel Calm and Connected in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to better understand one another and communicate more peacefully by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you fight less and make your way back to one another. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.