Letting go of pain in relationships isn’t easy.
It’s hard to let go when we get our feelings hurt, especially if we think our partner is doing the wounding. It is not uncommon for many of us to get our feelings hurt and not be able to talk about it. Sometimes the pain and discomfort can even make someone stop talking for days.
This is serious, especially for the person who feels the hurt. He or she is suffering. And it feels terrible. Many couples have one or more people who have this pattern and it’s just painful for both.
What Prevents Us From Letting Go of Pain in Relationships?
So let’s talk about what holding on to pain is all about. First, for the people in relationships with a person who does this, the one with the hurt is not doing anything intentional to harm you. It’s probably safe to say that when someone gets his or her feelings hurt, they just feel so bad that they don’t know what to do. And they certainly can’t talk about it. They just know they feel terrible and that’s about all they know.
And that makes letting go of that pain hard.
So why do people get so wounded? It happens a lot when we are in relationship with another person. If it wasn’t a significant other the hurt might not be as deep. But when we are in connection and vulnerable with another person we some how believe they are supposed to take care of our feelings, always. And when they don’t, well it feels like a big blow. And that can shake someone to their core and make them feel all out of sorts and those feelings might be so big they just don’t know what to do with them so they don’t do anything and just remain quiet in a world of hurt.
Understanding the Hurt That Makes Letting Go of Pain in Relationships So Difficult
Part of this is unconscious. The unconscious tells the hurt person they were wounded by the loved one who was supposed to care for them. That’s the unconscious part. The realistic part is when the hurt subsides and they are able to say, “Hey. when you took my car without asking, I got upset.” When I write those words, I know they can carry a charge in them. Those words might contain a lot of anger and disappointment or they might just be some words stating a fact. When we are not provoked or in our feelings, they can just be a discussion point to find out why our beloved took out car. Maybe there was a good reason, maybe not, but whatever happened, it’s probably safe to say that he or she most likely took the car out of necessity, not to harm you. And yet you became harmed.
Pain happens because it happens. Usually it’s something we feel because of a thought and the hurt stays with us until the feeling subsides. After the feeling subsides, only then can we try and make sense out of what just happened. It’s my belief that every time we get upset, it’s worth exploring why. What happened to me to make me upset?
If we are in a relationship often times couples will point to the other and say, “You did this to me.” When we accuse someone of doing something to us we blame them for an action and a natural response to being blamed is a defensive posture. Blame and defend lead to an argument and that get’s no one anywhere.
How to Help Your Partner Let Go of Pain, in Your Relationship
So, two things, if you are in a relationship with someone who can’t talk when they get their feelings hurt, wait until the feeling subsides before you try and get them to talk about it. And also wait until they are ready.
If you are the one who receives the jolt of pain and can’t speak, take care of yourself. The feeling will end. And when it does, do the right thing and tell your beloved what happened to you without blame. This will help you get healed and encourage your partner to love you even more.
Need a Helping Hand Letting Go of Pain in Your Relationship?
Read a Book About Relationships
If you’d like help with letting go of pain in a relationship, try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just give you and your partner tools to help prevent you from holding onto pain, letting you talk things out, move on, and grow as a couple. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.