A funny thing happens when we fall in love with our person. We begin to expect things we sometimes can’t even put into words. I see this occurring in many of the couples that I counsel. I have fallen victim to this as well.
We Hope That People We Trust Understand Us
When we trust another with our heart, the head thinks things about this union too. The heart feels safe and connected and the mind then follows with expecting certain things to happen, like for our partner to always understand us.
Yeah, I think that’s what it is. Since our heart has landed with our right and special person, why shouldn’t we as humans be always understood by the person we love? I know it probably sounds unrealistic when I spell it out like this, but how many of us have wondered how at certain times our partners can completely miss what we are about.
And We Then Expect People We Trust Will Understand Us
This is called “expectation.” The heart connects and then the head thinks it should also be connecting. And they are two different places where humans reside. The heart is never wrong. The head? Well let’s just say sometimes we can think one way and then in the next minute we learn something else and we can change our minds.
The mind follows the feelings and sometimes gets us in trouble. Like expecting our mates to always understand us. Since the heart feels at home, why not our whole being? Why not our actions or our unspoken thoughts? Why doesn’t our partner just know us?
Maybe we say to ourselves that if they truly loved us they would already know what we are about. And how many of us have thought this too? I know I have. But this is not how humans are.
Not Feeling Understood Can Make Us Feel Disconnected or Even Unloved
We love with our heart. We get hurt with our heart. But the head is an entirely different path. The head has expectations and hopes and desires that our partner is supposed to fit into. These are thoughts about what we expect or anticipating now that we are in a relationship.
But these thoughts are just ideas and not feelings. The feelings are inside our body, not in our heads. And the feelings are not the same thing as our thoughts. They are two entirely different ways of navigating our lives.
I love my husband. And sometimes when I don’t feel understood by him, I feel alone and on occasion I even feel unloved. He hasn’t done a thing. My heart hasn’t stopped loving him, but my head will tell me I am upset and I won’t be able to feel my heart anymore, just the pain of not being understood.
What Can We Do About Not Feeling Understood?
This is also common in relationships. So, what can we do about it? For starters, how about just realizing that our heart has its own separate mission. Our heart is the vehicle that we use to love our person. And let’s make sure we remember that. But we can’t forget to honor our heads too. Our minds help us learn about what is right and what we need.
But let’s be clear and not confuse the two. Too many of us make it all one thing and that causes so much suffering.
Bring More Understanding to Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
If you’d like help with communicating and feeling understood, try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help refocus you and your partner on important questions to ask, so you can both ensure you can keep making each other as happy as you can. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.