Many of us get our feelings hurt by our mate. In fact, it is a guarantee that if you are involved with the person you love then they will at some time make you unhappy.
They don’t do this because they stop loving you, no, they do it because we all bring our habits into the relationship and that’s where our habits rub our person the wrong way.
Our Old Habits Can Push Others Away
And you probably don’t use your old habits to purposely annoy them, but it happens. Some of us bring in good skills like understanding what happens to us and being able to talk about it with our mate and even apologize as needed.
But many of us didn’t grow up learning all these good relationship habits. I know I didn’t. I grew up yelling if things didn’t go my way. This is a particularly difficult habit for others. They can see you are unhappy, but they have no clue as to how to help.
I learned this with my husband to be. I would stew in my own disappointment for a long time. Eventually I learned (after couples counseling and before I was a counselor) that unless I can let my partner know what happened to me in a way that he can hear it, then I am just perpetuating disconnection if I am yelling because I am hurt.
Habitually Holding Resentment Hurts Everyone
If you think about our habits, it’s likely you have had them all your life. Changing them seems like pushing a boulder up a hill, but I tell you the first time you try something new you will feel alive in your body like nothing else.
So now to those who hold resentment. This is like a curse. It not only hurts the one you hold resentment towards, it also hurts the one who holds it. I mean YOU.
When we hold resentment towards our partner, our resentment hardens and then turns into blame, righteousness, and alienation. We deliberate and decide that we were hurt in a way that not only justifies holding this hardened anger in front of us, but sometimes even making them pay!
Have you ever done this? Has it gotten you what you were looking for? Or maybe you don’t even know what you are after. If you want an apology, this is a crazy way to tell your partner that you want one. All they feel is your spite and your anger.
Empathy Curbs Resentment and Opens You Up to More Love
Think about if you hold resentment towards another. You might not even be able to talk with them because you are so mad. This is a problem, for both of you. You can’t talk to the person you love and you won’t let the person you love even get close.
Can we see that this doesn’t work? No one wins with resentment. If you use this as your weapon, at least get to know it. See that you are using this technique on your mate. If you can see it, maybe you can see how sad it makes the one you love.
And if you can see this, well I hope your resentment crumbles and you remember that you love your mate. You can do something about this. Tell them you are sorry that you push them away when you get hurt. That’s the truth. And when truth is spoken. We all hear it.
Ready to Fight Less and Reconnect More Effectively?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.