When we are in a relationship and we are close to someone special, we feel everything: love, hate, revulsion, gratitude, pleasure, disturbance, kindness and disappointment. Those are just some of the things we feel, when interacting with different facets of our partners.
Every relationship is like this. We all feel everything. This is how humans interact. When we fall in love with our special person, we let down all our defenses and we let our person come close. It feels so good to feel loved, and for many of us it might even feel like the first time this is happening to us.
Love is a Double-Edged Sword
Love is beautiful and frightening at the same time. What if it doesn’t last? What if we grow tired of what we have? All of us may have wondered these things. And when it is good, it is the best thing in the world. Nothing is better.
But when it gets bad, nothing could be worse. And all of us have been here before too. The bad comes in because all are defenses are down. We are so unguarded that when a slight or misunderstanding occurs we are exposed and it feels like the most terrible thing.
Love Means Enduring the Bad for the Good
This is common for couples too. If you are in a relationship you already know what I am talking about. Sometimes when I am counseling a couple I hear them tell me about the awful thing their partner did. I know it hurts beyond belief and yet people find a way to stay in their relationship.
We know we can’t turn and run every time we get our feelings hurt. If we did that we would have to remain alone to be safe all the time. But mostly, the human spirit wants to couple with another and have a union. This is underneath the surface, and it is a common desire among people.
So most people learn to stay, even when they feel terrible. And if they stay they are already building the muscle of knowing that the relationship will get better. And if you look at yours, I know as I look at mine, it always does.
Differentiate Between Your Partner’s Parts
The hurt feelings subside and we remember that we love our person. This is the best part of being with another. And now I want to get you to think about what to do when we are really disappointed, mad, frustrated, and angry with the one we love.
I want you to think of your person as made up of a lot of parts. Your partner has a soft, wonderful loving side. They have a productive, helpful side. And they have the side that is nurturing and caring. They also have parts that gets you upset, and when we are mad at our mate we just see them as the one who hurt us.
Focus on Your Favorite Parts of Your Partner
But perhaps you could look at it a different way. Your loved one is multifaceted. He or she is full of a lot of different parts. Some parts you love and maybe some parts you don’t like at all.
I bet your partner has the same ideas about you, loves some of you, wishes some of you were different. This is how many couples operate. But what if when we were mad or disappointed with our mate, instead of seeing the part that riles us, we remember the part of ourselves that loves them.
We never lose our love for our person, even when we are upset. It’s always there, waiting to come out of us again. Let’s build the muscle that always remembers that we love our partner, even we get our feelings hurt. Let’s lean into our love for them, regardless of the next time they make us mad. It might make for a whole new beginning.
Get Help with Nurturing Your Love
Attend a Talk About Relationships
On the 2nd and 3rd Monday each month, you can attend FREE relationship talks from marriage and family specialists. Come learn how to create a good relationship and understand problems that get in the way.
Come join the conversation. No reservations needed.
- Mondays: 6:30–7:30pm
- 1232 E Wardlow Road,
Long Beach, CA 90807.
Read a Book About Relationships
Get a helping hand with focusing on what you love about your partner, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help fights escalate less and make navigating difficult times during your relationship a little easier. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.