Feeling unwanted in a relationship leaves us feeling sad and disconnected. And it’s especially hard to feel unwanted when we have been hurt. We might also feel unimportant, disregarded, or like our partner doesn’t even care.
Most of us if we are in a relationship often feel that our partner does things that hurt us. I know I have been in this position too many times to count. But I know in my heart of hearts that my partner loves me. I mean he really loves me.
And I bet that in your tender moments, if you look at your partner, you will tell yourself the same thing: “My partner loves me too.”
When We’ve Just Been Hurt, We Feel Unwanted By Our Partner
But when we get our feelings hurt, we forget that we are loved and instead feel unwanted. When we get upset, we put a protective layer around our heart and maybe lash out or pull our feelings inside ourselves and feel terrible. We try to defend ourselves when we get hurt. It’s only natural.
But if we are interested in being with our person and building a life together getting our feelings hurt is going to happen. We will misunderstand our partners and we will get mad and disappointed and more. This will happen too. So how can we remember that the person who loves us continues to love us even when we get hurt?
Do You Love Your Partner Less When You Feel Hurt?
Remembering that we’re loved, and that we love our partner is hard, but it can keep us from feeling unwanted in a relationship.
And it can be one of the biggest challenges of being in relationship with another person. We may find we love them when we love them, when everything is going right. And we might notice we don’t love them when our feelings get hurt and things are not going right. You can see there is something wrong with this picture. In reality: a relationship doesn’t last if we only love our person when we are happy.
Long lasting relationships require us to grow another muscle that reminds each of us that even though our feelings are hurt, the person who hurt those feelings did not stop loving us. Can we remember that the heart is always pure?
Or are these just words I am writing? I know that in my relationship, I have had to grow a muscle that keeps reminding me that my partner loves me no matter what. My partner loves me even though he said something hurtful. My partner loves me even though he is upset at me.
Reduce Feeling Unwanted in a Relationship, By Openly Communicating and Remembering Why You’re Together
I know this seemingly doesn’t make sense, but loving someone doesn’t always make sense either. Each of you, individually, have the greatest insight into your own personal feelings. You are especially able to detect when your partner does something or says something that hurts you. Both of you are experts on your own feelings, how you see them getting hurt, and why you feel the way you do.
But are you good at remembering that your partner signed up with you, chose you, is with you, and loves you? And can you remember these feelings even if you can’t see them or feel them in the moment? Can you remember to hold on to the words that your partner’s “heart is pure” and that they are there for you?
It is perhaps the hardest thing to learn when with another person in relationship. And it is the most helpful thing you could do. Because if you can remember this, and practice it, you will build a foundation that will last a lifetime.
Struggling with Feeling Unwanted in Your Relationship?
Read a Book About Relationships
If you’d like some help with feeling unwanted in a relationship, helping you instead feel closer, more connected, and appreciated, then try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you remember where you’re coming from in times of conflict, help you communicate your feelings less confrontationally, and ultimately feel more loved and wanted. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.