Feeling Unloved? Here’s How to Doubt Less and Love More


Feeling Unloved

Feeling unloved is common. Sometimes, we forget how our partner feels about us. Other times, our perception mismatches reality and our assumptions lead our hearts astray. Feeling unloved in a relationship is often painful, but it might be easier to fix than you think.

I was thinking about a birthday in the family the other day. I remembered to wish that family member a happy birthday, and it felt good to do so. Then I remembered that even though I always remember this person’s special day, they never remember mine. And when I thought about being forgotten, I felt sad.

Then I thought more about it and realized that my family member loves me no matter what. This family member didn’t stop loving me when they didn’t wish me a “Happy Birthday.” There was no withholding of love from me. There was no deliberate act of unloving anywhere. So why would I have a thought about this person who just didn’t know something?

Feeling Unloved Can Happen When We Fill in the Wrong Gaps, the Wrong Way

Feeling unloved as a result of bad guesses and mistaken assumptions.

It’s easy to do. It’s really easy to think other people’s actions are about us, especially if we are in relationships. We take everything so personally as if everything our partner does is about us. He did this and that means he doesn’t care. She did that and that means she is selfish.

We not only take things personally, we make up some story about their motives. Maybe we think they did this because they don’t love us. Before I had this awareness about the family member and the birthday, I guess I thought that too about them. Maybe they don’t care about me enough to know my birthday. Well that’s a thought, but I doubt it’s the truth. I don’t think this person turns their affection for me on and off based on my thought.

How Accidentally Taking Things Personally Might Leave You Feeling Unloved

And I think this happens often in relationships. We get our feelings hurt and then we think something about the person that hurt our feelings. We then decide they must not love us because if they did they wouldn’t do that thing that hurt us.

It’s hard not to take things personally. It’s so hard yet so important. Author Don Miguel Ruiz calls on us to take note of this in his book The Four Agreements. The second agreement reads, “Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. ”

When Feeling Unloved, Trust Instead of Assuming the Worst

Feeling Unloved? Try Trusting, Instead of Doubting and Assuming

When we take things personally we often put our own spin on our thoughts. Our partner hurts us and that means something about them. We often take our mate’s actions even more personally than anyone else’s. There are reasons we are so sensitive to the one we love. Loving someone takes a great deal of trust. We let them into a very tender place. It’s so sacred and deep inside our heart, we need our beloved to keep it safe. When they hurt us—and most of the time it’s not intentional—we feel violated in the most horrible way.

This is very common among couples. I also know that if we start working on how we think about what is done to us with new thoughts, we might not feel so bad. Like when I thought of my family member just not knowing about my birthday. There’s no feeling about that. If I add on they must be selfish and that’s why they didn’t remember; well now I am looking at a whole bunch of bad feelings when none really need to exist.

Remember That You’re Loved, Even When it Doesn’t Always Feel That Way

Trust that you are loved, even when you are hurt. It’s true. Even the couples that fight the most will tell me, in a soft moment, about their love for each other. The love doesn’t cease, even during the chaos.


Stop Feeling Unloved and Renew Your Connection

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'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

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