Feeling judged in a relationship? We all try to change our partner’s behavior. But sometimes our requests come across as criticism and that can leave us feeling judged, rejected or disliked. Learn how to change the communication to help us feel more loved.
Feeling Judged in a Relationship Hurts
When we are criticized by the person we love it feels like we’ve been stung. It is unforgiving and painful. Criticism from our partner can even feel like judgment, like we have done something wrong, and like we are not good enough.
People often feel judged in their relationship. We really love our partners, but there are things about them we don’t like and we want those things to change. So, a lot of us just tell our partners what we don’t like. And when we do this, we are criticizing them.
We Usually Don’t Mean to Judge Our Partners, But Things We Say Can Sound Like We Do
We are probably just telling them about a behavior or an action or a misstatement or something small, but when hearing it from a mate it can feel as if it is everything. We might even start to believe that our partner doesn’t even like us, and that is the farthest thing from the truth.
We love them, but we need something to change to make us feel more comfortable, and that is probably why we are telling them what we don’t like. This is a very human thing to do when we are close with another.
The unfortunate part is that our loved one might not see the comments as something to make you more at ease or comfortable, they might start to believe you don’t even want to be around them. Our discomfort with another can be read in so many ways by the other person.
It’s Okay to Ask for Change in a Relationship, Just Be Mindful of How
When we are in a relationship, we have to learn how our messages are received. If we are really disappointed or angry at our person, then that is what we should tell them, not just criticize what they are doing or how it made us feel.
This is such an important part of being in a relationship with another person, and it is worth examining. We love them until we start seeing the things we don’t like about them and we want those things to change.
The Key to Not Feeling Judged in a Relationship Is for You To Put Yourselves in Each Other’s Shoes
Wanting things different is not the problem. We all feel this way. How you communicate this though is everything. If you are pointing out what you don’t like about your mate, think about how many times you have probably done this to them and how many times your partner has heard you tell them your criticisms.
Now think about what it might feel like to hear your disappointments and complaints. Do you think it feels good? Understanding how our partner feels is how we alter the way we talk with another person. We sit in their shoes for just a minute and imagine what it would feel like.
Ask for Change By Suggesting Things Your Partner Could Do So You’d Feel Better
Make sure your request comes across as something you would like changed and said kindly because it will also make you feel better. That will help it land better than something that sounds like telling them you don’t like something about them. Tell them what you would like for them to do instead of telling them what you don’t like.
It will inspire and motivate your partner to give you what you want instead of making them feeling like they disappointed you. And that’s a much better trade off. They still feel loved by you, instead of feeling your ill will.
Get Help Feeling Less Alone in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how you and your partner can help each other feel less judged by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you communicate your feelings to your partner in a way that will feel less like rejection. That might just help both of you feel more loved and accepted. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.