Emotional Pain is Everywhere
All of us endure living with emotional pain, some time in our lives.
Everyone who has ever loved another has been hurt by the one they love. There is no relationship in the world that is without pain. It’s just not possible. Now that’s not saying there aren’t people who just don’t fight or get upset. There are probably lots of couples out there that don’t get mad at each other. But that is not the majority of us, and those that NEVER disagree or fight, well I can’t imagine having every thought in my head mirrored perfectly by my mate.
As humans who live close together we are bound to see that we are different than our partner. It is that difference that leads to quarrels and disagreements. Most of us feel very strongly about the way we look at things and the way we like to think. We are attached to our view of the world, including how things should be done in our home.
We’re Hurt When We Don’t Feel Accepted
Usually we are so sure about ourselves. And it’s worked for a while in other situations, but now with your current mate—the one you are living with or are married to—well, it just seems like a lot of work to get them to notice that you are right. And here’s why: it’s because they think they are right too. Imagine that!
Are you being told that you didn’t do something right, that the way you do things is not acceptable, or that you should be different in some way? Are you fighting your partner, accepting what they say, or ignoring them? Well my dear, either way, you are living with emotional pain.
Emotional Pain Comes From Not Feeling Free to Be Ourselves
Yes, that angst we feel inside our stomach, that’s it. Every time you feel that someone is judging or saying you are wrong you probably feel something like a kick to your insides. That’s because you are prevented from being allowed to be your fully expressive self. You are being censored in some way. Maybe you don’t notice that this happens to you. Maybe this is just the way you always feel in your relationship.
When we hold on to unexpressed feelings, we are carrying around emotional pain. When we feel misunderstood, or unheard by the person we are with we feel emotional pain. If we feel left out or abandoned, ignored or belittled we also feel it.
Emotional Pain Weighs Us Down
Emotional pain is just that stuff that we carry around inside ourselves when we get our feelings hurt. And if you carry this stuff around a lot, you are holding on to an enormous amount of emotional pain.
Before I understood human psychology, I know I always carried around my emotional pain. I was usually complaining about something someone did to me at work. I was often mad or disappointed by actions of other people. I never talked directly to anyone involved in these upsetting situations, I would just bitch about my issues to my friends. If you are doing this in your relationship, not talking to your mate about your emotional pain, but speaking about it to a friend or family member, take it from me. It never solves the problem.
Open Up to the One Who Hurt You to Start Feeling Better
I now know that the only way to feel better in your relationship, your life, is to speak about your feelings with the person who hurt them. This is a skill that I write about and I practice. I am still practicing because every time I get my feelings hurt it is different. I stumble through what happened to me and the feeling that got hurt and it’s different every time. But at least it gets finished. When my husband and I finish talking about our upsets, it ends. And that is what relief is all about.
No more carrying around hurt. Gone. Better. Learn to unpack your emotional pain. You will breathe easier. I promise.
Eliminate Emotional Pain in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? Learn about how to reduce emotional pain in a relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help you talk to the one you love about what’s bothering you, helping you feel more connected, valued, and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.