When couples struggle in a relationship, someone or both might see their mates as the one who caused the hurt. If this is the case, then one or both might blame the other for making them feel bad.
This is very common among couples. I know this intimately because as a young girl I blamed everyone who hurt me. I did not know another way to communicate my hurt to the person who caused me pain.
I blamed the one who caused me difficulty and it was usually a family member. It would be strange if I did this alone, but we all did this. We just didn’t learn a better way of handling our hurt emotions.
A misunderstanding can happen so easily. One partner says something the other believes it was a slight and gets offended and then there is a disagreement.
But what really happened was someone saying something that the other person didn’t quite understand and the receiver made it into something that it wasn’t.
Does this sound like something that happens in your relationship? Well, it happened in mine.
Often in relationships couples will fight with each other. Both want the other person to hear them, but the arguments usually continue without one person giving in, so there is no resolution. And that’s exactly what both people want.
Often when in a disagreement partners will tell the other person mean things. They might call them names or discuss the way they act, all to point out that they have something that they need to share.
Often when we lash out at our mate it is usually because we have been triggered by something they have said or done. This is common because most people hold on to our difficult feelings and they reside somewhere in the body.
Someone we love says something to us and we explode. This is common too. If you are in a relationship and your loved one just reacts when you say something, it’s probably because you touched something that resides in his or her body and this feeling has been out of reach until you triggered it.
That’s why psychologists call these out of the blue reactions triggers. They probably make sense to the person who is reacting if they have spent time wondering why they act the way they do.
Often when our partner does something that we don’t agree with we do something. Some of us get mad at our mate. Others try and reason with their logic. And some of us even blame them for what they are saying, doing, or thinking.
Do you fall into any of these categories? It’s easy to do, in fact if we have one of these habits we usually bring them from childhood. I know in my home when I was a child, all of us argued with each other, and sometimes we yelled our arguments.
It took me a long time to unwind my old habit and build something new, and that is the reason I am writing this article.
Many of us get our feelings hurt by our mate. In fact, it is a guarantee that if you are involved with the person you love then they will at some time make you unhappy.
They don’t do this because they stop loving you, no, they do it because we all bring our habits into the relationship and that’s where our habits rub our person the wrong way.
It’s not uncommon for two people who fall in love to realize that they are not the same. Sometimes people even think that they have nothing in common because they are so different.
This is very common among couples. We fall in love with our mates and everything is glorious. But something happens after a year or two where we start to see that they don’t really get us like we thought they did.
All of us in a relationship want to have a great life with the one we love. This is why we couple. It makes sense. We fall in love and believe this is the best feeling in the world. We attach to that feeling, but at some point, we are a little less thrilled with the relationship and our partner.
As a couple’s counselor and someone who is in a relationship, I know this first hand and I help people with this as well. It happens. That wonderful partner we have finally found is not as perfect as we had imagined them.
Sometimes when we fight with the person we love we might feel bad about ourselves. On other occasions we might feel angry at them. It just depends on the way we are wired.
Some of us believe others hurt us and therefore we have to react. That’s how I grew up. Others believe they are at fault for the difficulty and blame themselves or just hold things inside. This is how the other half live.
But as I explain this to you, maybe you can see that both people are trying to make sense of something that went wrong: a problem, an argument, a disagreement, or a misunderstanding. It doesn’t matter what gets in the way, we all know when it’s something that keeps us apart it feels terrible.
We all come to our relationships with the way we navigated our life before we met our beloveds. Every one of us has a habit of how we handle difficulties, problems or our need for change.
This is just how humans work. So, when we meet the one we love and they love us and we are mad about them, it is very hard to believe in that moment that they will not understand everything about us.