When We Are Triggered by Our Mate

Did your mate trigger you?

All of us get triggered by things that hit us in our sore spots. Usually these are unexpressed hurts from a long time ago that are still as tender as they were when they occurred.

And when something in our present day life touches that spot we react. Everyone who has these tender areas reacts. We usually keep them stored up inside our bodies and we leave them alone. But when something touches it, we might have a very big reaction.

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When Two People Can’t Hear Each Other

Oftentimes when people are in a relationship and we get our feelings hurt we want, and need our partner to hear us, understand us and empathize.

It’s only natural that we want to be soothed when we get upset. This is what happens when we hold a baby or a puppy, they need to be held when hurt and we oblige.

But sometimes in a relationship two people get hurt. First one has a wound and then tells the other person, but says things in a way that the other person now gets hurt. Two people are now hurt and both are in their pain.

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How We Misread People

When we are in a relationship with the person we love it is so easy to misread how they are treating us. We believe that what they do has something to do with us, our behavior and our being. But that is not always the case.

Let’s say your beloved gets angry with you and is harsh with their words. You might think that they are really mad at you and you might lash back, or hold it in or try to escape.

What we do when someone is angry at us has a lot to do with our old habits. This is how we handle large emotions and we have been doing it this way since we learned how as a child.

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When Anger Takes Over

When anger takes over we may not know what to do with ourselves, like this screaming woman at her wit's end.

When couples fight, sometimes there is a lot of anger that gets inflicted on people. Being angry is a secondary emotion. That means it comes second after the first emotion. The first emotion is often pain.

But if you have an angry habit, like I had, I know that there wasn’t someone to take care of your pain when you were little. And as little people if you wanted someone’s attention, well getting mad and yelling about it is a pretty good tactic.

But after you grow up and you are in an adult relationship it doesn’t work as well. That’s when the habit gets dicey and uncomfortable. If you have a pattern of getting mad and exploding, let’s talk. This article is for you.

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What to do With Anger

What do you do when you're so angry you lose control?

Many of us lash out at our mates when we get upset. This is a habit or pattern we might have used since childhood. It might have worked then, but I have a feeling your partner is not very crazy about it and wishes it would stop.

I know, I lived this way for years. I would get upset and yell at the person who hurt me. I learned this as a little girl and continued to use it well into my forties.

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When Hurt Feelings Make Us Lash Out

Having our feelings hurt can make us verbally lash out at our partner.

People in relationships often have differing points of view. This is understandable because in a relationship there are two very different people involved. But when each person stands his or her ground and won’t give an inch and they are both doing this, then it can become a fight. We might even call it a war.

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What Happens When We Blame Our Mate?

What happens when we blame our partners like this angry, pointing woman?

When couples struggle in a relationship, someone or both might see their mates as the one who caused the hurt. If this is the case, then one or both might blame the other for making them feel bad.

This is very common among couples. I know this intimately because as a young girl I blamed everyone who hurt me. I did not know another way to communicate my hurt to the person who caused me pain.

I blamed the one who caused me difficulty and it was usually a family member. It would be strange if I did this alone, but we all did this. We just didn’t learn a better way of handling our hurt emotions.

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When Our Partner Causes Us Pain

Our partner can cause us pain by yelling.

Often in relationships couples will fight with each other. Both want the other person to hear them, but the arguments usually continue without one person giving in, so there is no resolution. And that’s exactly what both people want.

Often when in a disagreement partners will tell the other person mean things. They might call them names or discuss the way they act, all to point out that they have something that they need to share.

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How Our Triggers Keep Us Trapped

Triggers trap us in anger, hurt, and conflict.

Often when we lash out at our mate it is usually because we have been triggered by something they have said or done. This is common because most people hold on to our difficult feelings and they reside somewhere in the body.

Someone we love says something to us and we explode. This is common too. If you are in a relationship and your loved one just reacts when you say something, it’s probably because you touched something that resides in his or her body and this feeling has been out of reach until you triggered it.

That’s why psychologists call these out of the blue reactions triggers. They probably make sense to the person who is reacting if they have spent time wondering why they act the way they do.

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When Couples Fight

All of us in relationships get into misunderstandings. It is common to not thoroughly know what another person thinks and sometimes we end up stepping on our partner because we believe one thing and they believe something else.

But what if one partner gets upset and the other partner tries to get them to understand that their reasons for getting upset are not valid? This can happen in relationships too.

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