Often when people call for counseling and I ask them what is the matter, most of the time I hear, “We just can’t communicate.”
This is a catch all phrase that means we don’t understand each other and it is hard on both of us. I get this, especially since I have been working with couples for 20 plus years.
I know that there is a person who feels very deeply about life and another person who thinks almost exclusively in their head. I have seen this in every couple I have ever counseled.
How do we learn about love? In this world we probably see Disney movies, watch other types of stories, and just believe that someday we will love someone. But where do we actually learn about love?
In our relationships, that’s where. We fall in love with our mate and everything is perfect for a while, and then things start to change. We don’t feel as loved as we did in the beginning and we start to wonder what is wrong with our partner, or we might wonder what is wrong with us.
But this is normal too. The beginning stage is not meant to last. But how do we know what to do when things get tough? Here are some of the things I have learned about love.
When we fall in love with our person, we want to always feel that we are the most important and special being to them. I think this is the way most of us think about love.
We find our one true individual and then we want it perfect and wonderful all the time. Isn’t that what is supposed to happen? We see so many love stories and movies and ideas that many of us believe this is going to be how it will always be.
We fall in love and then love will take care of everything. But if you are reading this article, you probably have experienced something very different. Like wondering how your perfect partner really doesn’t know you as well as you thought they did.
Sometimes in a relationship there are really two kinds of people. There is the one who has to talk about everything. And there is the other who can’t talk about anything.
It does not astound me that all couples look like this. Even though it would be great if we could just talk with our partner if we are the talkers, the non-talkers probably wish they could just remain silent too.
Oftentimes when people are in a relationship and we get our feelings hurt we want, and need our partner to hear us, understand us and empathize.
It’s only natural that we want to be soothed when we get upset. This is what happens when we hold a baby or a puppy, they need to be held when hurt and we oblige.
But sometimes in a relationship two people get hurt. First one has a wound and then tells the other person, but says things in a way that the other person now gets hurt. Two people are now hurt and both are in their pain.
Sometimes in a relationship we aren’t sure about our partner. Do they really love us? Are they going to stay? Do they really mean what they say?
Couples often ask themselves these questions. But where does trust come in? Maybe you say to yourself I will trust you, but you must trust me too.
This sounds equal. We are both in it and can say that if my partner trusts me then I can trust him. But that is really not what trust is about.
All of us dream about being in love with our person. And when we meet the right one, well we plug them into what we want. This is very human.
Sometimes in our relationships we expect our partner to be what we want them to be and if they don’t then we tell them about it. This is common too.
All of us have some idea in our own heads about what we think will make us happy, and we play it out in our relationships. I know I did. When I met my husband-to-be I was sure that my life would be just right.
When we are in a relationship with the person we love it is so easy to misread how they are treating us. We believe that what they do has something to do with us, our behavior and our being. But that is not always the case.
Let’s say your beloved gets angry with you and is harsh with their words. You might think that they are really mad at you and you might lash back, or hold it in or try to escape.
What we do when someone is angry at us has a lot to do with our old habits. This is how we handle large emotions and we have been doing it this way since we learned how as a child.
When couples fight, sometimes there is a lot of anger that gets inflicted on people. Being angry is a secondary emotion. That means it comes second after the first emotion. The first emotion is often pain.
But if you have an angry habit, like I had, I know that there wasn’t someone to take care of your pain when you were little. And as little people if you wanted someone’s attention, well getting mad and yelling about it is a pretty good tactic.
But after you grow up and you are in an adult relationship it doesn’t work as well. That’s when the habit gets dicey and uncomfortable. If you have a pattern of getting mad and exploding, let’s talk. This article is for you.
Many of us lash out at our mates when we get upset. This is a habit or pattern we might have used since childhood. It might have worked then, but I have a feeling your partner is not very crazy about it and wishes it would stop.
I know, I lived this way for years. I would get upset and yell at the person who hurt me. I learned this as a little girl and continued to use it well into my forties.