Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog


Why We Blame in Relationships

Why We Blame in Relationships

Even though all of us are different, if we blame someone or something for our discomfort, then we have one thing in common: we’re internally wired the same. There are many of us in the world. And it’s my guess that if you blame or criticize when you are unhappy, you have heard about your behavior from others all your life.

I know I have. When I was little my older sister called me “the angry child,” because of my loud, blaming ways. I didn’t intentionally come into the world this way. I didn’t have a conversation with myself when I was learning how to express myself that said, “Start blaming. It’s a good system.”

No, that’s not what happened. I imagine it was my circumstances that encouraged me to use my voice to let my caregivers know I needed something. I just used my vocal cords to be heard. This habit just morphed over the years and I got better at leveling the criticism or blame when I got upset.

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Coming From An Open Heart Improves Your Relationship

Coming From An Open Heart Improves Your Relationship

I was thinking about something I heard recently. It was a story about a counselor that talked to this couple. The couple had some relationship difficulties and the counselor simply advised them to come from the heart, not from the head. That’s it. The therapist just said, “Come from the Heart, not the Head.” Yep, that was the advice. And guess what? The couple cleared their challenges and became more mindful, and then they lived happily ever after.

I know I probably sound glib. I’ve worked with many couples, and helping them is not that easy unless there is very little that needs fixing. But I do realize that this is a wonderful opportunity to talk about what coming from the heart means and why it can be so powerful.

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My Husband Blames Me for Everything! What Do I Do?

My husband blames me for everything. What do I do?

Every time we blame our partner for something that has gone wrong in our life, we hold them responsible for our discomfort. We are placing them in what I like to call a “cause and effect” system. You get hurt: they caused it. You blame them: that is the effect.

The reason I know this system so well is because I grew up in it. In my house when I was young, if something happened, you looked for who was to blame, and then you let them have it. It seemed to work, or not in my family, but it did not work when I partnered with my mate.

He did not grow up the same and was not used to being held accountable when I became unhappy. He always looked like a deer in the headlights, wondering why I was having a meltdown aimed at him.

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Why We Feel Like Leaving When We Get Mad

Why We Feel Like Leaving When We Get Mad

All of us feel like leaving when we get mad. It’s just something that happens to us when we are in relationships with others. We get our feelings hurt and we have to get away as soon as possible. We can’t help it. Getting away is just the quickest way to end our suffering, or is it?

I know the times I have grabbed my dog and headed out the door to get some relief from an argument I had with my boyfriend I was just protecting myself from further pain. I had to go. I had to go cool off and figure out what just happened.

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“I Think We Irritate Each Other”

I Think We Irritate Each Other

The other night while my husband and I were having dinner I grew very enthusiastic about something he said. I wanted to enhance my enthusiasm and extend it, so I asked him to call the person who made the remark that I got me so excited.

He said in a very loud and firm voice, “No, I am not going to call him.” I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t be swept up in my excitement and play along. I argued with him, urging him to commit, “Come on, just call him. It will be fun.”

He dug in his heels and said louder and even more firm, ‘NO. If you want to talk to him, you call him.”

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Things Don’t Improve After I Tell Him What I Don’t Like

Things Don't Improve After I Tell Him What I Don't Like

I often work with couples that know exactly what is wrong in their relationship. This is a good thing. But sometime this knowledge brings challenges to most people when things are not going right. You see, most couples are doing their very best to find a better place with each other.

I believe that people who love each other try everything they know to make the relationship work. The partners will go from one thing to another in the hopes that the relationship will improve.

Sadly, in many cases it does not. Here is one reason why. As humans, we are keen on noticing when we don’t like something. We are experts at identifying what is not working for us. And we are equally as efficient at calling our partner out when we are uncomfortable.

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Why We Bleed: What Loss Can Teach Us

Why We Bleed: What Loss Can Teach Us

When sorrow hits us it often feels like a ton of bricks raining down upon us. The bricks wipe out everything we thought we knew and not only that, but the ground also shifts, and we can’t find where to put our feet. Our earth, that solid foundation we have stood on forever has vanished in an instant.

When grief rips us apart we have nowhere to turn. There is no safe passage back to where we once lived. There is nothing before us, behind us, to the side of us, underneath us, there is nothing left. We are alone with our deep pain and nothing, absolutely nothing we can think of can change that. We are living with a hell inside us that will not budge.

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Non Verbal Communication, in Relationships, Isn’t Enough

Non Verbal Communication, in Relationships, Isn't Enough

I was working with a couple recently. The boyfriend was unhappy. The girlfriend was unhappy. They both reported high tension in the home. But when we looked at what was happening, even though both were not talking and silent with each other, their behaviors spoke volumes.

They were wondering if they should stay together. Both were trying to feel better. But then something happened. The boyfriend began to isolate. He would come home from work sit on the couch, and drink beer while watching sports. Nothing wrong with this, but when he was focusing on the television, he wouldn’t talk to the girlfriend—not a word.

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Patience in a Relationship: Why Waiting On Change is Hard

Patience in a Relationship: Why Waiting On Change is Hard

I was visiting a friend recently and she just got a puppy. The dog is about four months old and is full of puppy energy. My friend was apologetic because the puppy was not well behaved. I thought to myself, “Of course this puppy is not well behaved. She’s still a little baby!”

Her frustration was evident. Even though she is a very good trainer, the dog was still not following her directions. I observed this situation and I understood that this animal would grow into the well-trained dog that she wants, but it will take time.

And maybe that’s what we all suffer from when we wait for things to change in our relationships. As I work with couples they tell me about the difficulties that they encounter and by the time they come in for counseling they are often times at the end of their ropes and they don’t have any more room to wait.

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Stuck in a Rut in Your Relationship? Freedom is Here

Stuck in a Rut in Your Relationship? Freedom is Here

I was listening to a friend talk about her childhood. She grew up in a city, surrounded by streets and buildings. She talked about how in the middle of a certain street there was a break in the concrete and a tree grew up through the ground.

This tree was so unique that if you drove that street, you would have to drive around the tree. That tree lived and thrived, even though everything was aimed against it. And that tree was full and amazing and it had to squeeze itself through cracks in the street.

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