Being pushy in a relationship doesn’t help anyone be happy. Most of us are used to identifying and pursuing goals, to great success, elsewhere in life, but things are different in a relationship, and here’s why.
As humans it is very common to want something and then pursue it. We do this all the time. We are exceptional at setting goals and moving our lives toward them. This is how many of us are wired.
Even in relationships. But that can bring about its own set of challenges. I have worked with many couples who have been in a situation where one or both will push their mate to get what they want. And unfortunately, it doesn’t work.
Why Does Being Pushy in a Relationship Not Work?
This is a behavior that works well with an individual, so why not use it when we are trying to get our needs met with a mate? I would say go ahead and use this habit if it worked. But in many cases, it doesn’t. And here’s why.
We push and grasp for what we want which is probably safety and happiness, only our pushing and grabbing just brings us struggle and loss. We keep trying and trying to get what we need and end up working so hard we might even forget what we are trying to get in the first place.
This is pretty normal too, but it is also very uncomfortable. None of us likes to feel that we are in a constant struggle. And no one likes to feel loss. But that is what we feel when we go after something at all costs.
Here’s a hard lesson to learn: what we know and do so well in our individual lives doesn’t effect positive change relationship with our partner. The rub is that we are very good at this habit, we have probably used it all our lives to achieve and become successful.
Security and Happiness Come From Listening, Not Pushing
It is very hard to begin to look at ourselves and think that we might have to actually do something different so we can actually achieve what we are really after—security and happiness.
We could go from our pushing habit to something else. How about the desire of wanting to communicate with our partner, with the ability to listen to them. This could change a stuck pattern.
Really, when we go from wanting to push our mate to wanting to listen to them, we actually change what is about to happen. We not only get out of our old habit of pushing, we make room for our relationship to breathe. In doing so, we start feeling something new: the connection we’ve been pushing for.
Listening Is the Key to Fulfilling Our Needs
See this as an indirect route to get what we want. We do something completely different, even though it doesn’t seemingly make sense at the moment.
I know when we want to learn a new habit, we have to try something new. We can’t rely on what has worked in the past. And then when we feel something different, we can start believing that what we are doing will become fruitful. We will have proof, and then we will have achieved what we longed for: the security and happiness we needed all along.
Get Help Listening, Instead of Being Pushy in a Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how you and your partner can better listen to each other by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you meet each other needs in your relationship, helping you feel happier and more secure. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.