All of us like things the way we like them. This is a part of being human, where we have preferences. We like what we like and we don’t like what we don’t like. I notice this because I get really cranky when my comfort is compromised.
And I bet I am a lot like you. And I also know that I have to soften around my edges to make room for my person, my husband, the one I am walking the earth with. And this is hard. I especially notice this when I am sleeping. I am what is known as a “light” sleeper. I wake up easily when there is noise.
Sometimes We Get Upset, Even When Our Partner Can’t Help What They Do
I have taken to wearing ear plugs. It’s not so much that the husband snores, he does at times. It’s just that I get so riled when I am just about to fall back to sleep and he moves or clears his throat or coughs. I will be just on the brink of deep sleep and something will occur. And when it does I get soooooo angry!!!!!!!!!!
I want to yell. And I live with a very nice person who is not doing anything to hurt me and is probably trying to get back to sleep all by himself. I have to constantly remind myself of this. I have to remember that he has a right to his sleep just as much as I have a right to mine. But I know I don’t like him very much when he interrupts me.
We Have to Learn to Live with Each Other’s Quirks
As I write this to you right now I realize how simple it is to understand and make room for my other. But when I am just about to be in a delicious state of slumber and a sudden movement or noise takes me out of it in a startling way I can’t remember this and I get mad! I am angry. I am mad because I love my sleep. I love falling to sleep. Doesn’t he know how harmful he is to me?
I have been working on this for years, (17). I am softer when I speak to him now, a little bit softer. If I think he is tossing and turning because he can’t sleep and I can feel his every move and noise I will say with just a little twinge of whine, “You are awake. Why don’t you get up and go downstairs?” And he will say, “I am not awake.”
Arguing Doesn’t Help, But Apologizing Does
I won’t argue with him. I don’t want to argue with him. All I want is my sleep. And then I feel bad that I even said a thing. He might get up earlier than me and go downstairs. When I get up I think about how I should apologize. A part of me feels mad still and doesn’t want to. And when my feet hit the bottom step I say, “I am sorry I barked at you this morning.” And he says. “Ok.”
This is how we do it. Does it work? Kinda. Find a way to understand that both of you deserve your comfort. Don’t be the greedy one, (me). Be the generous one, my husband. Allow the room for everyone to breathe, and maybe even sleep.
Help Soften Conflict in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? If you’d like some help understanding your partner and communicating more peacefully, try reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you understand where one another are coming from, helping you make your mate feel more comfortable and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.