One of the first lessons we learn as humans is about protecting our hearts. We probably learn this when we are very little people. Something hurt us and we close up and we can’t come out until the pain stops.
If this sounds like something you do as an adult, then you are doing what every human on the planet does. Everyone who gets hurt has some sort of mechanism to shield the vulnerable parts from more pain. This is just the way humans are designed.
And even though you learned this skill as a child you are probably still using the same techniques now as an adult. You may have some different words and you may even get mad at your mate when you get your feelings hurt, but all these behaviors do one thing. They close down your heart.
All of us try and get what we want, even in a relationship with someone we love. We suggest, imply, and hope that they will do what we like so we can feel good about being with them.
This is likely how you operate in your life outside of the relationship. Many of us do. We organize what we want and how to achieve it, and often time we have successes. So why not with our relationship?
Isn’t this the way we make it good? If we just listen to our head, we will know what we want and then all we have to do is go about getting it. Right?
Sometimes in life we are faced with difficult situations. This is the life all of us will encounter at some point. Many of us know hard experiences already.
Maybe a family member has died. Maybe you have had some cut offs in your life that you regret. These are big experiences that many of us will face.
But what do we do when we get seriously mad at our mate? Do you hold a grudge? Do you blame them and make them pay? Do you internalize your pain and think it is your fault?